


As Long As There's Light

by Tabi_essentially



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Bisexual Poe, Force-Sensitive Poe Dameron, Gen, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Missing Scene, POV Leia Organa, Poe loves Leia, Poe&Leia friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-30
Updated: 2016-11-30
Packaged: 2018-09-03 09:37:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8707237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tabi_essentially/pseuds/Tabi_essentially
Summary: Missing scene between when Poe returns to the base after the wreck on Jakku, and the attack on Takodana. 
Leia goes to visit Poe in med bay and they discuss Ben|Kylo Ren, Finn, and what comes next. Mild h/c on both sides really.





	

She tapped on the door, not sure what she would see on the other side, how bad it would be. Over the many years, and unending battles, General Leia had seen the worst of it, but it never got any easier.

“Come,” came the reply. He probably wasn't expecting her.

Leia went into the white, sterile room, ready for anything. Dameron wasn't wearing the flight suit; just a plain white outfit, typical of med bay. He stood next to the bed, buttoning the top button, but stopped when he saw her in the doorway. His spine straightened, his chin lifted a fraction. He made a gesture like he wanted to tidy his hair, but then dropped both hands.

“General,” he said, ready to give his sitrep even though she hadn't asked.

He should have known better: a mission report wasn't what Leia was after, not exactly. Eventually he would have to document the whole thing, but right now, she just wanted to talk to him. Not to her pilot, but to Poe, the man she'd known as a child. She didn't tell him “at ease,” she just smiled. He smiled back and let his shoulders drop.

Leia took a closer look. To her immense relief, he seemed mostly unharmed. Nothing broken, at least. A bandage on the side of his head, some scrapes and bruises. It could have been so much worse. He easily could have been killed.

“Umm,” he said, fidgeting a little. She was staring, she realized, in that overly direct way she had. So she walked over and sat on the white bed, patting the mattress next to her. 

He sat uncomfortably, like something still pained him. Physically, he should have been healed by now. But depending on how he had been hurt – well, mental and emotional pain took longer to heal. She knew this from vast experience. She'd been in his place more than once.

“Are you all right?” she asked.

“Yeah, I'm fine. I'm mostly unharmed, honestly.”

“I was told you had a head injury. Lost consciousness for a while. Lost your memory?”

“Oh, that. For a while, yeah, but that was from the crash. I've had--” he gave a short laugh--“so much worse, actually.”

That was a lie, and she knew it. Flyboys, with their bravado. He lied like Han did, sometimes, and it drove her crazy. She also admired it a little. Leia was a terrible liar, too free with her passions to be anything but honest.

But she had expected that lie, because she'd known him forever, and because he was like Han in so many other ways, and also like his mother. She had expected it, and she let him have the lie because it eased his mind. But--

“I need to know what happened.” Gently, she said it, because officially she already knew most of it, but now she needed to hear him tell it to her alone - and that was where the darkness was.

He knew what she was asking of him.

“Yeah,” he said, looking away, his voice hoarse. He cleared his throat. “It was him.”

“Ben,” she said.

“No.” He looked her in the eyes. “Kylo Ren.”

If specifying the difference was meant to comfort her, it didn't. But maybe it comforted him. He'd known Ben, too. They had played together as children; Ben had looked up to him, had admired his openness, the light in him and the differences between them, in a way that they, as children, couldn't understand back then.

“All right,” she said. “So tell me.”

He inched away from her so he could look directly at her. His hair was a disaster, he looked—well, scruffy, a little bit dashing, even so. And so much like his mother that her heart ached.

“He doesn't have the map, first of all.” Poe stopped talking, frustrated, and scratched at the bandage on his head. “But he's going to get it. He's going to. They disabled my X Wing, and then they... Well, you already heard about the village. The people they killed.” 

Leia had. There wasn't much more she needed to know about that. Ben—or Kylo Ren, since Poe insisted on the difference—had ordered the massacre on Jakku. Those people might be alive if she hadn't sent her pilot to retrieve information from Lor San Tekka. Ben had killed him, too, personally.

“And after that?” she said.

“I'd already given the map to BB-8. It was that or have them take it from me. I thought at least this way, we'd have a chance.”

“You did the right thing,” she said, and waited for him to go on.

“I didn't know it was him. Honestly, General, he wears this-this _thing_ , and I couldn't see his face. I took a shot at him. I don't know if I would have, if I'd known it was him.”

“You would have been right to,” she said, even though she choked on the words. “No one would have blamed you.”

“And that's when Kylo Ren caught me.” He didn't look away from her as he continued. “And I failed you.”

“ _No._ ”

“I told him everything.”

She didn't mean to feel what came next: the moment he broke, the moment Ben had gotten what he wanted, had hurt him and made him scream and give everything up, and the shame that followed it. But these things had always come to her unbidden. The knowledge crushed her.

If Poe knew that she had felt it, he hid it from her with his usual grace. His head was bleeding a little, where he'd scratched at the bandage. She reached her hand out: _May I?_ When he nodded, she peeled the bandage off, then took some gauze from the bedside table, and wiped the blood away. He allowed this without flinching, and it eased the tightness in her throat a little. 

“You didn't fail,” she said. “No one could be expected to...” She sighed, thought about how to phrase it, and started again. “Ben was always so strong in the Force. Even before he was born, I could feel it. I wanted to approach the knowledge of his power with love instead of fear. But there was always so much Skywalker in him. That power... you couldn't be expected to fight him off. I don't think I know of anyone who could.”

Poe nodded, considering what to share next. “He said he didn't realize he had the greatest pilot in the Resistance on board. Like he didn't know who I was.”

And this was the hardest part about it. “He knew. He's trying to make himself believe he's not Ben anymore. Or maybe he knew it would hurt you, make you doubt him, and even doubt yourself.”

Poe dropped his head into his hand, scratching his fingers through his thick curls. Leia hated the sigh that came from him.

“None of this was your fault,” she said. “This isn't your failure. It's mine.” She took another bandage, and taped it, a bit slapdash, to the side of his head.

“No,” he said, gently taking her hand away from his head. “You can't take responsibility for this, you can't...”

“Of course I can. I have to. I'm his mother, there's nothing else I _can_ do.”

“But... you raised him well. Everything else was free will.”

He was wrong, but she couldn't argue with what she saw in his eyes. To him, even though he would never say it, she was _Princess Leia_ , the legend; his mother's beloved best friend and confidant; beauty and royalty and grace. He insisted on her kindness, on that youthful, casual sweetness she'd had to scrub away in order to do the things that needed doing when no one else would. He looked at her the same way he had since he was a child. She couldn't bear that kind of adoration, especially not now.

“And speaking of free will,” she said, “your rescue?”

He brightened. “Yes! Oh, yeah, wow, unbelievable, right?” 

Leia recognized that tone of voice. Poe loved people, and he particularly loved a certain type of person. Brave, daring, noble: he threw in his lot with people like that, passionately and without reserve. Poe fell in love with heroes.

“He didn't even have a name,” Poe said. “They just gave him a serial number, FN something. So I called him Finn.”

“And he disappeared in the crash?”

“Yes. He must have. When I came to, I just started walking. I didn't even remember my own name, who I was, or... By the time I remembered anything, he was gone.”

“I'm sorry. But he was free, right? He had a name, and someone had been kind to him.”

“Yeah,” Poe said. “I barely knew him, but I saw this goodness in him. How does a person do that? How does someone overcome all of the things he'd been through? All that mental and emotional conditioning?”

“Just like you said. Free will. The same way everyone chooses what they want to be.” And that boy, Poe's Finn, had done what Ben hadn't been able to do: he had walked into the light. In the end, did it matter what children were raised to do? The goodness would always come out of good people.

And darkness? If it was too strong, would it always win, no matter how hard people tried to steer them into the light?

Sensing her thoughts, and maybe thinking along the same lines, Poe said, “We're going to win this, General. You're going to win.”

“Why, Poe?” She banged her fist on the bed, and there it was: that anger that ran in her blood. Her Skywalker inheritance. “Why do you say that? Why do you believe in me?”

He wasn't taken aback or even impatient as he put his hand over hers. “Because,” he said. “You're the only one who hasn't run away.”

His words were like a bucket of cool water over her fire. Of course she had thought of that before, though she had tried not to. Was it fair to say that Luke had “run away?” That Han had? She had done her share of avoiding the situation, too. She knew of no way to confront her son. But then, she had mostly stopped searching for one.

“I want to run,” she admitted. “I want it to not be true. I can fight the Empire and the First Order until the end of the day. It's not the fighting that wears me down. It's just losing Ben.” Her voice broke on his name.

Poe had the good grace to sling an arm around her shoulders, so that he wasn't staring her grief in the face. “Do you think he's gone for good?”

“I don't know,” she said. “It's hard for me to feel if there's light in him, or if I'm just holding onto vain hope. It feels like there's light, but...”

“Then we've got a chance.”

He sounded so sure, so confident in this belief that she very badly wanted to tell him another thing she had felt. It wasn't something she had shared with anyone yet. And, she reminded herself yet again, he was not her best friend. He was not Shara Bey. 

But... had that Force-sensitive tree Luke had given his family ever stirred as he walked by? Possibly. She'd never felt that off-rushing of Force power from him, the way she had from Jedi. But perhaps a spark, here and there. His piloting was intuitive enough to be more than skill and luck, to have pulled off the feats he already had. And even if not – even if it was just practice, talent, luck and bravado, he had still earned her trust, many times over. She hadn't told anyone this. It was too delicate. But--

“I've felt something, recently,” she said. 

He nodded, unsurprised. 

“Movement. In the Force, in a way I haven't felt in a long time. Something is moving within it, or maybe accessing it in some small way. I can't put my finger on it.” 

“Could it be Luke?”

“That's the thing: I don't think it is. I know what Luke feels like, and this is different. Whoever it is, I don't think they know.”

“What does that mean?” he asked. “To the Resistance, and the galaxy. Are they on our side?”

Leia frowned, and gave it some thought. “I don't know. Ben is so powerful in the Force, it's hard to feel any other intent, but I think... for the light, I think. Like a ray of light. That's what it feels like.”

Poe brightened. “Then it's a good thing. A great thing, even. How do we find them? Do you need me to...”

“No,” she said. “We can't go looking. The First Order is watching us too closely, and if I can sense it, Snoke probably can, too. We'd lead them straight to whoever it is. This has to happen on its own. I think that, whoever it is, they'll find their way to us.” At least, that was her hope.

“General, can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Slightly off topic, I think. Or maybe not. But, Finn. Do you think he could be alive?” 

The question surprised her, though perhaps it shouldn't have. Poe's loyalty to the brave and true ran as deep as his faith in them. She wished she had something better to tell him, but... “It's difficult to say, not having met him. I can't get a sense of who he is, so I can't...”

The comm link in her ear vibrated. She held up a hand to Poe and tapped the comm with her other finger. “Go.”

“General, we have news,” said the voice on the other end. 

Poe watched her, bright-eyed and waiting, while she listened. When she smiled, he smiled back.

“Well?” he said, when the call finished.

“Han was just spotted on Takodana. He's got BB8 and two others with him.”

“Finn?”

“I don't know,” Leia said. “I didn't get a description, but they're going to need help.”

Poe was already walking toward the door, tugging at the med bay shirt.

“Where do you think you're--?”

“Suiting up. You're gonna need me for this mission,” he said as he reached the door.

“Yes, we'll need air support, but...”

“You need _me_.”

“You're in no condition,” she said. “You lost your memory, and you haven't even had the cognizance tests yet. You don't even know if you can fly.”

He laughed as he opened the door and rushed out into the hall. “Even if I was dead, I could probably still fly,” he said. 

Leia hurried after him. “If you make a mistake, you could put the rest of your squadron in danger.”

That stopped him, just as she knew it would, and he walked back to her. He floundered for a few seconds, searching for something to say. “But you need me on this mission,” he repeated. “I'll turn back if I'm not in good shape. If I'm not in _excellent_ shape. If I get a headache. If I sneeze.” He gave her that Flyboy smile, the one that worked on other people, people who, perhaps, had not been married to Han Solo. When he saw that she wasn't buying it, he schooled his face into seriousness and said, “General, you know I would never jeopardize any mission.”

“I know you wouldn't,” she said. “But I also know that, sometimes in our efforts to do the right thing—the _noble_ thing—we lose sight of the bigger picture. I know you want to see if Finn is alive, I know you want to help the Resistance, get the map back, and get your droid back. I just need you to be sure you can fly so soon after such a major crash.”

“I can. I'm sure.”

She reached out and gave his arm a squeeze. No, he wouldn't jeopardize the mission; she knew this. Not after all he had already done for the Resistance. But he would jeopardize himself again.

Leia sighed. “Maybe a different general would reign you in for your own good, but I can't. The Resistance needs you too much. I don't know what that says about me.”

“It says that you're everything we need in a leader,” he said.

“You don't know that, Poe. You can't see what I am inside.”

He shrugged, his shoulder a little stiff. “Why should I have to? I see your actions, all the good that you do. That's what matters. I don't have to know your deepest, darkest thoughts.”

Her darkest thoughts. There it was again: that chill, ice in her guts, darkness. But not from within her – this was something yet to come. It could only mean death, she just couldn't put her finger on who it was shadowing. Someone close. “Your friend,” she said.

“Finn.”

“Yes. I don't want you to get your hopes up.”

“My hopes are always up, General,” he said, though his smile wavered. “That's why we do what we do. Right?”

Leia sighed. If only it were that easy. “All right, Black Leader,” she said. “You're clear to fly. I hope you find your friend.”

Poe's Flyboy smile was also his genuine smile, and he gave her a softer version of it. He patted her hand on his arm as he visibly considered what to say to her. What was he thinking? The way he looked at her—the way they all did, sometimes—like he wanted to bow his head and call her “Princess,” which he knew she objected to for her own complicated reasons. Or to salute and tersely call her “General.”

Instead he just said, “Thank you. I won't let you down,” and then he took off down the hall again.

Yes, a different general would have ordered him not to go – but then, in all likelihood, he would listen to no other general. He'd proved that when he had defied Major Deso. Leia was the only one who could reign him in, and she never would. That hope of his would either carry him through the revolution, or kill him.

He turned back before rounding the corner, and threw her a salute, with a cocky half smile on his face. He was so much like Han in that moment—Han ages ago, before Ben had...well, before Kylo Ren—that it hurt to watch him go. She missed Han. And she missed her son, so much that it was a physical pain, a constant background radiation. She could get it to fade sometimes, when she was hard at work. She could put it away.

But this time it stuck around. She made her way back toward the command center, trying to focus on what came next: a briefing, then getting ready to leave for Takodana. A battle, possibly, if the First Order had also been apprised of the map's whereabouts, which they likely had. And then she would almost certainly see Han.

She could deal with it; she liked to see him, actually, and there was always that chance that they would reconnect, even just briefly, before going their separate ways again.

But something about the future gripped her by the spine and shook her bones. Something wasn't right. Was the the Force speaking to her? Intuition, or just her own fears? She had never been fully trained to meditate on these things, to quiet herself and find the answer, the way Luke had.

For all the good it had done him.

“ _You're the only one who hasn't run away,”_ Poe had said, but that wasn't true: fighting was Leia's version of running, even if her escape took her right to the head of the dragon. And it was time to head into battle again.

She straightened her spine and followed him down the hall.


End file.
